Sometimes

I rarely question what I'm doing. It makes it easier for me to blame it on someone else when I screw up. It's kind of a sad pathetic thing to do, but it keeps me alive essentially. So when it comes to love I am very... apathetic? Naa.. that's not the right word. I think I just expect too much sometimes. We both tried moving on... but we went back to each other again. She moved on halfway though... Which means right now my chance to get back with her is about halved. I don't plan on giving up just yet though.. Well I never actually plan on giving up, except when I'm playing LoL. So here I am again.. sitting and waiting for my chance again. I wanna say that it wasn't my fault the first or second times but if I take my personality into account it could be said it was. If you take her personality into account then we're both at fault. I don't take failure very lightly. I will do everything in my power to take back what I've lost. Whether that be at school, work, or relationships. One shove and I'm at the edge of the battleground, proceeding to the middle again, tightening my grip. It's nearly a choke hold at that point.It's not clingy.. I just can't accept failure. Must be all those halo books I read.. I feel like a friggin spartan. It's either win or lose... and I refuse to lose. Unfortunately the pacifist side of me refuses to fight. So here I am again... stuck in the  middle of an unending battle of lust, love, and needs. I can't fight back... but I refuse to lose. Neutrality has its own ring to it... One that I enjoy thoroughly.
Til next time-
Amp-J

Carry On.

Sorry to disappoint all those who think I am referring to a Kansas song  because I most certainly am not. If anything it's based off an MCR song... But I'll get to that later.

I just finished watching the House finale.. I'll be honest, I cried.It wasn't a sad cry though... Well not all of it was at least. No, those were happy tears. Happy that the show got the send off it deserved. I will miss it forever but I loved every bit of it. Life goes on right? I have to carry on... Which brings me to my first point. About 4 years ago, I was up late one night watching MTV when a music video for a newly released song came on. The album the song belonged to wasn't out yet, but this video was. After watching it, I decided to do whatever I could to listen to them more. I got really into them, and to this day they are my favorite band. The song was Welcome to the Black Parade and the band, of course, is My Chemical Romance. There are so many words I could use to describe that band.. but I will leave that for another time. As I keep trudging through life, I always forget what matters the most to me. It's a damn shame to say the least. I place all my happiness in one source and when it fails I am, ultimately, depressed beyond words. Black Parade kinda sums up what my reaction is supposed to be. I shouldn't take it. I need to carry on.All the memories will carry on. Those words are, sometimes, more of a source of empowerment than scriptures. I try not to make that a habit but even so.. it's the truth. We'll carry on... We'll carry on.
Until next time
Amp-J

Crazy how life goes.

So I was bored today and decided to check my old Myspace page for the hell of it... Just to see what was up. On my top friends I found a girl that I went on one date with, but I had had the biggest crush on her. We were extremely similar: we both liked video games to an extreme amount and we both liked the same types of things. Unfortunately, after the first date the 45 min distance kinda hit us. We were both in high school so it was going to be nearly impossible. Now mind you she is only one year younger than me. I decided to look her up on Facebook to see how she was doing. Check this- She has a kid and, at least I'm assuming from the pictures, she's married as well. She's 19! It was a head rush to see that to be honest.. It makes me feel like I haven't really done anything in my life worth mentioning. Now I know that's not true but to find that out about an old crush is absolutely crazy. The phrase "life goes on" is a common one, and I am learning to agree with it. Even so, I am amazed at the things I find out every day and I really don't know what I should be looking forward to... But I guess if I keep pushing, I will make it to the end, scars and all. At the point I know I will be happy.
Til next time
(Hopefully sooner than later)
-AMPj

It's been awhile.

I know it's a line from a song.. but it has been awhile since I have written on here. I've been going through a lot recently. School's tough... heartbreak.. the works ya know? But it is important to stay strong for as long as I can.

In any case.. I've been thinking a lot recently about life in general. It's hard to get places by yourself. If you were to ask any famous person if they got to that spot alone, they would most certainly reply, "No".
Almost every famous athlete/movie star/ millionaire has had someone who had their back. It might've been an agent, a significant other, a friend, or just a creepy stalker fan. That person/ those people are just as responsible for the famous person's success as he/she is. The Oscars are proof of this. When someone wins an Oscar, they don't go up to the front and only thank themselves. They thank everyone who helped them to win that Oscar. Ultimately, it's madness to think that anyone can do anything by themselves.  People will argue that it's by their own works. But that in itself is blasphemy to the highest regard. Whatever.. I'm done ranting about it. I know I am the same though. And there is someone in my life I want backing me up. So I hop that she will be able too.



On another note.. I am the writer of a comic known as [Name Withheld]. Hopefully if everything works out, it'll be up on a website soon. If you are the type that enjoys comics, I would highly encourage you to read it, so  I can get feedback.
Thanks- and til next time
Amp-J

Brand new day pt2

Perhaps I should cheer up a bit ey?

Na. Being depressed suits me too much I think. I guess it really doesn't matter in the end. All that bs of how i act affects those around me just isn't true. If anything, it has the opposite effect! When I'm sad, everyone else is extremely happy! It's madness or something close to that at least. But it's okay I spose. My job in life is to make others happy based on my misery. I am some sort masochist. I love hurting myself in general!

On the other hand... I truly do want to be happy. and I think that I, as well as everyone else in the world, deserves the chance to be happy. Do what makes you happy! is advice that I've heard oh so many times. Not the best advice when my happiness seemed to be a bit outta reach for me. What to do? Ah well. Don't worry be happy. It's the tagline of any stoner.. but it should be the tagline of every person in the world. it'd make things soo much better :).
Til next time-
Ampj

This empty feeling

It's a downer alright.. It'll be awhile til I can smile for real again.. and that's ok I guess. I can't say I regret anything cuz I am glad for the time I got to spend with her. I'll be punishing myself for awhile because it comes to me thinking that it was all my fault.  I'll torch things and go on a rampage of sorts. I miss her now.. and will probably for a long time. I hope she misses me too.. but it's not something I should dread over. i dunno anymore. We'll see how I feel after a couple days to clear my head... But right now I am in a very dark place.. No emotion whatsoever and it's troubling me. Will I wake up from this nightmare? Will it only be a dream? One can only pray.
Til next time.

Life

After attending one of my classes today, I was speaking to a friend of mine, Brandon, about existing. I asked him what the point of existing was. At first his answer was a flat, "there is no point to existing". After I responded with a, "does that mean existence is futile?", he changed his tone a bit. He went from there to say that we only exist to leave a carbon footprint, an imprint of ourselves, on this earth so that we will be remembered. My friend is not a man of faith mind you. The underlying point ended up being that we are born just to die. If you don't make something of yourself while you're here, then you won't be remembered.

This caused me to think a bit. Do I want to die and have a funeral where people are praising my efforts while I was on earth? Or is my funeral going to be empty with the exception of maybe my surviving family and my widow because I was an asshole in my life? No one truly wants to be alone. Even those who say they want to be alone are craving some sort of want deep in their bones. On the same level, no one wants an empty funeral. And as depressing as this is to talk about, I think it needs to be stated. I sorely wish the world will end before I die, I do, but I doubt it will happen. However, I won't put it past scientists to create a virus that will turn us into zombies... but that's another story. I do not want to go out unknown. I see life as an opportunity.. But I feel like I'm grasping at straws now. I need that life changing event still! I need someone to show me what my life is going to lead to. I know someone will though. I know someone will show me exactly where my life needs to go. Until then, I sit here waiting patiently. Or more like anxiety... because I want the zombies to attack already.

-ciao

Disappear

And here is the song that I wrote my Freshman year of high school. Better musically I think. dunno bout Lyrically

At first I thought it was perfect
This thing that you and I had shared
But you came with your addictions
Which left me unprepared

It didn't make much sense
Why'd you cease talking to me?
And you with all your values
Almost came too late for you too see

(chorus)
You look outside your window the sun will never rise
Your house it starts to sink in after no more shine
After ignoring me so long your body slips away
Til you finally disappear and I will find you again someday

You wanted me to worship you
Do everything you told me too
But I wanted your love
Sent from up above

Tricky trees and dead end streets
Can't change who you are to me
Leaving all your past behind
Girl you're ruining my mind



You look outside your window the sun will never rise
Your house it starts to sink in after no more shine
After ignoring me so long your body slips away
Til you finally disappear and I will find you again someday

Wake up... Your love's not meant for me
Wake up... My love's not meant for free

(Solo of some sort)


You look outside your window the sun will never rise
Your house it starts to sink in after no more shine
After ignoring me so long your body slips away

You look outside your window the sun will never rise
Your house it starts to sink in after no more shine
After ignoring me so long your body slips away
Til you finally disappear and I will find you again someday

The world doesn't revolve around...

I'm taking a look at all my past relationships of any kind, and I've noticed an interesting point. Almost all of them (and I say almost because I haven't checked em all) are in a better relationship now. Which means the common factor in all these relationships is .. well.. me.
I mean, it totally sucks. It makes me feel like I am the solo cause of every relationship of mine ending. I will admit I was the problem for the first times, mostly because I didn't know any better. I didn't put my whole heart into the relationship while the my significant others were. Later on, however, I started putting my whole heart into my relationships. That made me seem controlling and altogether a bit clingy, though I tried not to be. I want to scream out to the world that I am not a crook. I want my girlfriend right now ( who I can actually see a future with)  to know that I am fully into this relationship. My heart is into it. I can't see anyone I'd rather be with, or anything I'd rather be doing then spending time with you. I love you. I don't want this to end like my other relationships because I can't lose you. You are waaay to important to me. At the moment, I am not on amazing terms with any of my past relationships. I don't talk to them because.. well I dunno. We just haven't stayed close over the years. That is a fate I refuse to repeat. The world doesn't revolve around me.... but I'd stop it from revolving entirely for another moment with you.

This is why

Song i wrote recently... After this I'll post one from awhile ago.. see how my writing's changed.
Here it goes:

He tried so hard to show you how he's feeling
but everything's amiss
For he is not a Romeo by all means
yet something's right with this.
So in the end when all the world is crumbling
These walls are falling down
But neither can admit that they are wrong cuz
They're both stubborn as hell

He will-- never--
prove to you that he is worthy
And he-- won't let you see

That this is why we scream at the top of our lungs
We don't even care anymore
what the other people're saying
Scream at the top of our lungs
The life that we're looking for
is not the life we lead
This is why we scream

They both wonder just where the world is heading
And how it all will end
But promises won't cancel trips to hell, son
there's no help I can lend
Confusion stirs in all the minds of innocents
They thought they had it all
Madness ensues destroying all our values
As we head towards the fall

I will never
prove to you that I am worthy
But I hope you will see


That this is why we scream at the top of our lungs
We don't even care anymore
what the other people're saying
Scream at the top of our lungs
The life that we're looking for
is not the life we lead
This is why we scream

This is why we scream
This is why we scream

That this is why we scream at the top of our lungs
We don't even care anymore
what the other people're saying
Scream at the top of our lungs
The life that we're looking for
is not the life we lead
This is why we scream x2

Brand new day

I dunno how many people here have seen/heard Dr. Horrible but that has gotta be the most interesting blog I have ever seen. I mean, it has the straightest gay man I have ever know (NPH ) as well as some other entertaining characters who make the show altogether more enjoyable. What does this have to do with anything? Well the title of one of the blog's songs is Brand new Day. It involves some very quick singing/rhyming and includes a chorus of "It's a brand new day and there's birds in the sky, it's a brand new day and you're gonna die". No, I'm not planning on killing anyone... that would be madness. But there are those times where you feel a bit outta touch with reality. Those are the times I do lose touch.. and at  those times I feel like Dr. Horrible. Everyone will die! I might be a bit cynical but what the hell? live life to the fullest right? Probably not the best response to cynicism.

I don't know why

I don't know who reads these. I don't know if I want anyone to read them... but sometimes venting is the only way to get things out. And more times than not, Notebook doesn't cut it.
Where to begin?
I'm about 6'5, dirty blonde hair, a bit overweight but currently losing it, and a bit more sensitive than most people would prefer. I'm a nerd, an athlete, a dork... almost any word you can think of has been used to describe me at one point. But in reality, I don't know myself. My whole life is based on what others have told me I am. Unfortunately, I've grown up pretty much believing everything anyone else says. Or at least the different names they've called me.

At this point I have a fair few things that keep me sane... I'd say 5. I've gotta great family who backs me up on almost anything I do. They sometimes forget how old I  actually am but it's something I can deal with until I get the chance to move out.
I've gotta faith in God that has gotten me through so many troubles in my life. I always have Him to turn to, though I probably turn to Him a lot less than I should. I don't thing I am a bad Christian at all.. I just don't use my time wisely when it comes to God.
Next, I've got my friends. I have ones I've known since first grade, and ones that I just met in college.They all are different but something about each  one draws me to them.. sometimes I question what but I always find out in the end.
Fourth, I've got my video games, especially WoW.. Of course those are self explanatory.

Last, and most importantly, I have a beautiful girlfriend who doesn't ever give herself the credit she deserves. She is my go to girl for the most part. She is always there for me. We don't get to see each other half as much as we wish we could but eventually that will change. She's had a rough life, to be sure, which makes it hard to for her to accept any form of happiness. It makes me think.. Really, besides everything I want for her, I want her to realize that she can be happy with me and that I am EXTREMELY happy with her. I could never leave her for anything, for anyone. I've heard the term that being with a certain person is as natural as breathing. It's kinda how I feel with her. I really don't know what I would do without her in my life. It's something I wish she knew. And if she does then I wish I knew she did. I want to know she's as happy as I am, 24/7. Because for me, thinking about her when I know I can't see her, is all the happiness I need.