Sometimes

I rarely question what I'm doing. It makes it easier for me to blame it on someone else when I screw up. It's kind of a sad pathetic thing to do, but it keeps me alive essentially. So when it comes to love I am very... apathetic? Naa.. that's not the right word. I think I just expect too much sometimes. We both tried moving on... but we went back to each other again. She moved on halfway though... Which means right now my chance to get back with her is about halved. I don't plan on giving up just yet though.. Well I never actually plan on giving up, except when I'm playing LoL. So here I am again.. sitting and waiting for my chance again. I wanna say that it wasn't my fault the first or second times but if I take my personality into account it could be said it was. If you take her personality into account then we're both at fault. I don't take failure very lightly. I will do everything in my power to take back what I've lost. Whether that be at school, work, or relationships. One shove and I'm at the edge of the battleground, proceeding to the middle again, tightening my grip. It's nearly a choke hold at that point.It's not clingy.. I just can't accept failure. Must be all those halo books I read.. I feel like a friggin spartan. It's either win or lose... and I refuse to lose. Unfortunately the pacifist side of me refuses to fight. So here I am again... stuck in the  middle of an unending battle of lust, love, and needs. I can't fight back... but I refuse to lose. Neutrality has its own ring to it... One that I enjoy thoroughly.
Til next time-
Amp-J

Carry On.

Sorry to disappoint all those who think I am referring to a Kansas song  because I most certainly am not. If anything it's based off an MCR song... But I'll get to that later.

I just finished watching the House finale.. I'll be honest, I cried.It wasn't a sad cry though... Well not all of it was at least. No, those were happy tears. Happy that the show got the send off it deserved. I will miss it forever but I loved every bit of it. Life goes on right? I have to carry on... Which brings me to my first point. About 4 years ago, I was up late one night watching MTV when a music video for a newly released song came on. The album the song belonged to wasn't out yet, but this video was. After watching it, I decided to do whatever I could to listen to them more. I got really into them, and to this day they are my favorite band. The song was Welcome to the Black Parade and the band, of course, is My Chemical Romance. There are so many words I could use to describe that band.. but I will leave that for another time. As I keep trudging through life, I always forget what matters the most to me. It's a damn shame to say the least. I place all my happiness in one source and when it fails I am, ultimately, depressed beyond words. Black Parade kinda sums up what my reaction is supposed to be. I shouldn't take it. I need to carry on.All the memories will carry on. Those words are, sometimes, more of a source of empowerment than scriptures. I try not to make that a habit but even so.. it's the truth. We'll carry on... We'll carry on.
Until next time
Amp-J

Crazy how life goes.

So I was bored today and decided to check my old Myspace page for the hell of it... Just to see what was up. On my top friends I found a girl that I went on one date with, but I had had the biggest crush on her. We were extremely similar: we both liked video games to an extreme amount and we both liked the same types of things. Unfortunately, after the first date the 45 min distance kinda hit us. We were both in high school so it was going to be nearly impossible. Now mind you she is only one year younger than me. I decided to look her up on Facebook to see how she was doing. Check this- She has a kid and, at least I'm assuming from the pictures, she's married as well. She's 19! It was a head rush to see that to be honest.. It makes me feel like I haven't really done anything in my life worth mentioning. Now I know that's not true but to find that out about an old crush is absolutely crazy. The phrase "life goes on" is a common one, and I am learning to agree with it. Even so, I am amazed at the things I find out every day and I really don't know what I should be looking forward to... But I guess if I keep pushing, I will make it to the end, scars and all. At the point I know I will be happy.
Til next time
(Hopefully sooner than later)
-AMPj

It's been awhile.

I know it's a line from a song.. but it has been awhile since I have written on here. I've been going through a lot recently. School's tough... heartbreak.. the works ya know? But it is important to stay strong for as long as I can.

In any case.. I've been thinking a lot recently about life in general. It's hard to get places by yourself. If you were to ask any famous person if they got to that spot alone, they would most certainly reply, "No".
Almost every famous athlete/movie star/ millionaire has had someone who had their back. It might've been an agent, a significant other, a friend, or just a creepy stalker fan. That person/ those people are just as responsible for the famous person's success as he/she is. The Oscars are proof of this. When someone wins an Oscar, they don't go up to the front and only thank themselves. They thank everyone who helped them to win that Oscar. Ultimately, it's madness to think that anyone can do anything by themselves.  People will argue that it's by their own works. But that in itself is blasphemy to the highest regard. Whatever.. I'm done ranting about it. I know I am the same though. And there is someone in my life I want backing me up. So I hop that she will be able too.



On another note.. I am the writer of a comic known as [Name Withheld]. Hopefully if everything works out, it'll be up on a website soon. If you are the type that enjoys comics, I would highly encourage you to read it, so  I can get feedback.
Thanks- and til next time
Amp-J

Brand new day pt2

Perhaps I should cheer up a bit ey?

Na. Being depressed suits me too much I think. I guess it really doesn't matter in the end. All that bs of how i act affects those around me just isn't true. If anything, it has the opposite effect! When I'm sad, everyone else is extremely happy! It's madness or something close to that at least. But it's okay I spose. My job in life is to make others happy based on my misery. I am some sort masochist. I love hurting myself in general!

On the other hand... I truly do want to be happy. and I think that I, as well as everyone else in the world, deserves the chance to be happy. Do what makes you happy! is advice that I've heard oh so many times. Not the best advice when my happiness seemed to be a bit outta reach for me. What to do? Ah well. Don't worry be happy. It's the tagline of any stoner.. but it should be the tagline of every person in the world. it'd make things soo much better :).
Til next time-
Ampj

This empty feeling

It's a downer alright.. It'll be awhile til I can smile for real again.. and that's ok I guess. I can't say I regret anything cuz I am glad for the time I got to spend with her. I'll be punishing myself for awhile because it comes to me thinking that it was all my fault.  I'll torch things and go on a rampage of sorts. I miss her now.. and will probably for a long time. I hope she misses me too.. but it's not something I should dread over. i dunno anymore. We'll see how I feel after a couple days to clear my head... But right now I am in a very dark place.. No emotion whatsoever and it's troubling me. Will I wake up from this nightmare? Will it only be a dream? One can only pray.
Til next time.

Life

After attending one of my classes today, I was speaking to a friend of mine, Brandon, about existing. I asked him what the point of existing was. At first his answer was a flat, "there is no point to existing". After I responded with a, "does that mean existence is futile?", he changed his tone a bit. He went from there to say that we only exist to leave a carbon footprint, an imprint of ourselves, on this earth so that we will be remembered. My friend is not a man of faith mind you. The underlying point ended up being that we are born just to die. If you don't make something of yourself while you're here, then you won't be remembered.

This caused me to think a bit. Do I want to die and have a funeral where people are praising my efforts while I was on earth? Or is my funeral going to be empty with the exception of maybe my surviving family and my widow because I was an asshole in my life? No one truly wants to be alone. Even those who say they want to be alone are craving some sort of want deep in their bones. On the same level, no one wants an empty funeral. And as depressing as this is to talk about, I think it needs to be stated. I sorely wish the world will end before I die, I do, but I doubt it will happen. However, I won't put it past scientists to create a virus that will turn us into zombies... but that's another story. I do not want to go out unknown. I see life as an opportunity.. But I feel like I'm grasping at straws now. I need that life changing event still! I need someone to show me what my life is going to lead to. I know someone will though. I know someone will show me exactly where my life needs to go. Until then, I sit here waiting patiently. Or more like anxiety... because I want the zombies to attack already.

-ciao